To all that have made contributions to this thread and spoken openly then fair play too you.
I was deluded into thinking I was fine and that my behaviours were normal.
Cost me the love of my life, although she hasn't abandoned me completely, my children, and ultimately everything.
I never admitted I had a problem. Even though I'd been in relationships with others who had.
And I'm extremely ashamed to say I had the attitude of snap out of it you've nothing to be down about.
How wrong I was. And I will run that till the day I die, not least because that's what I tried too tell myself.
There's no rhyme, nor reason.
It's your brain working against you.
And he can be a cnnt !!!
So schizo affective, prone to depression and episodes of mania, suicidal ( saved twice by absolute miracles, strangers from nowhere who put themselves on the line, for me), and a hair trigger for aggression, from someone who prides themselves on being community minded, all this because of pride.
Not saying it wouldn't have happened if I had sought help, but it may have been mitigated somewhat.
If you suffer
Don't keep it in.
Don't deride yourself - it isn't your fault
And if it ever does feel too much. Don't look to the past, you may not see a future, but your present, has a future. It might look shit. But so did the Venus de Milo before it saw a chisel
And if your dealing with a loved ones suffering.
You need support as well. It's fucking hard. And one day it won't be.
Try not too get angry. That person you love doesn't know how to deal with it, and as much as they push you away, no matter how bad they behave, they need you.
And if there's anything I have learnt from it all, is that there are exponentially more people that won't be helpful to your situation than there are that will.
And it's always the ones that seem to be harder on you, whilst still caring that have your back.
They are there for a reason.
I'd never cried in my adult life till 4 years ago.
I did in front of a doctor, through relief that I'd unloaded my problems and he went out of his way to sort it out, immediately.
We can all shift a bit of metal about and look good in and out of clothes. But that means nothing ultimately.
I hate life in general. I keep track on the fact that if I can stop disliking who I've become, then maybe that will change.
I don't know if that's true.
That grey fucker in our heads dances to his own drum.
Now I'm off too the gym. Then I'm going to start my log after
@Simon got my profile sorted.
There's hope for all of us, probably
But I might just be in a better mood as this week I've managed to get myself 4 different , and nice, little birds to see.
It must be the moody look they like, like Brad Pitt.................. on meth !!!!!
B